Ever felt like the closer someone gets, the more you want to run? You’re not alone. For those with an avoidant attachment style, relationships can feel like a constant push and pull between craving connection and fearing it. It’s as if the walls you’ve built to protect yourself from getting hurt have become a maze you can’t escape. But what if understanding this pattern could help you break free and build the fulfilling relationships you’ve always wanted?
Understanding Avoidant Attachment: What It Is and How It Develops
In the book Attached, Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller highlight how avoidant attachment often presents itself as a subtle yet significant challenge. In the intricate landscape of human relationships, avoidant attachment often presents itself as a subtle yet significant challenge. Individuals with avoidant attachment styles tend to distance themselves emotionally, favoring independence and self-reliance over intimacy and vulnerability. This attachment pattern can stem from early experiences and profoundly impact how one navigates personal connections throughout life. Understanding avoidant attachment is crucial for fostering healthier relationships and personal growth, as it sheds light on the complex interplay between our early bonds and our present interactions.
As mentioned in my earlier post, avoidant attachment patterns trace back to the individual’s earliest relational dynamics. Avoidant attachment typically develops in childhood as a response to caregiving that is emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or overly critical. According to attachment theory, when a child's emotional needs for comfort and security are consistently unmet, they learn to rely on themselves for soothing and protection. This self-reliance becomes a coping mechanism to avoid the pain of rejection or disappointment. Over time, the child may suppress their emotional needs and avoid closeness, carrying these patterns into adulthood, where they manifest as an avoidant attachment style in relationships.
The Impact of Avoidant Attachment on Relationships
Avoidant attachment style can significantly strain relationships, creating a barrier to emotional intimacy and connection. Individuals with this attachment style often struggle with vulnerability, leading them to distance themselves from their partners when emotions run high. This avoidance can result in a cycle of unmet needs, misunderstandings, and emotional withdrawal, leaving both partners feeling isolated and frustrated. Over time, the lack of open communication and emotional closeness can erode the foundation of trust and security in the relationship, making it difficult to sustain a deep and fulfilling connection.
From Avoidance to Connection: Building Healthier Relationship Patterns
Here are some ways in which those with an avoidant attachment style can begin their healing process:
Learning emotional expression:
“The most functional way to regulate difficult emotions in love relationships is to share them.”― Sue Johnson, Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships
Emotional expression may have been limited in your environment during your early childhood years. Perhaps no one taught you about emotions or perhaps you were punished or shamed for expressing difficult emotions (anger, sadness, fear etc.). This may have caused you to abandon your own emotions and ignore its underlying messages. Learning to identify your emotions and even practicing expressing them to safe people around you will allow you to befriend your own emotions and begin to better understand what messages your emotions are holding for you.
Understand the function of your avoidance:
Lets get one thing clear- I know avoidants get a bad rep for being non-committal or aloof or distant when it comes to heartfelt or difficult conversations in relationships, but NO ONE ever woke up one day and simply decided to pursue an avoidant attachment style! This behavior was shaped and influenced by an environment that was not responsive to emotional needs. In fact, avoidance may have been a brilliant survival strategy to protect oneself from feeling rejected or shamed or criticized or even abandoned. This behavior may have protected you at one point in time, but it has not outlived its purpose. Simply understanding and acknowledging this behavior as adaptive can be a significant step towards healing from an avoidant attachment style.
Physiological self-soothing:
When an individual feels overwhelmed with closeness and intimacy, their heightened emotions can manifest in intense physical reactions (e.g. heart racing, tensing of the muscles etc.). Avoidant individuals can soothe physiological arousal by practicing mindfulness and grounding techniques that help them stay present in the moment. Deep breathing exercises, such as diaphragmatic breathing, can calm the nervous system and reduce stress responses. Engaging in activities that promote relaxation, like progressive muscle relaxation or gentle physical exercise, can also help regulate the body's arousal levels. Additionally, creating a safe space where they feel comfortable and secure, whether through meditation, listening to calming music, or spending time in nature, can further support emotional regulation and reduce the intensity of physiological responses.
Give yourself permission to receive:
The sense of independence and self-reliance formed by avoidant individuals need not turn into isolation. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style can practice receiving intimacy and closeness by gradually opening up to vulnerability in safe, manageable steps. This might involve acknowledging and expressing their feelings, even when it feels uncomfortable, or allowing themselves to lean on others for support in small, non-threatening ways. Building trust with a partner or a trusted friend through consistent, positive interactions can help ease the fear of closeness. It’s also helpful for avoidant individuals to challenge their negative beliefs about dependency and embrace the idea that intimacy doesn’t have to threaten their autonomy. Over time, with patience and self-compassion, they can begin to experience the comfort and connection that come with allowing others into their emotional world.
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