Ever find yourself endlessly scrolling through the same text messages, obsessing over whether your partner is upset, or feeling that gnawing anxiety when plans change? If these scenarios sound familiar, you might be familiar with the anxious attachment style—a hidden force shaping your relationships. Let’s dive in as we unravel the mysteries behind this emotional blueprint and explore practical ways to find balance and serenity in your love life.
In his bestselling 2010 book, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love Dr. Amir Levine discusses the biology and science behind healthy relationships. In a society that is increasingly elevating the value of independence, individuality and self-sufficiency, it has become lost upon us that we are fundamentally social beings that regulate emotions in close proximity to other humans. This is certainly not to diminish an individual’s sense of autonomy, and I am certainly not advocating for anyone to lose their sense of self in relationships. But it is worth exploring how we attach and who we become when we enter into relationships or as we explore the dating world.
Put simply, attachment theory highlights the central role of our earliest caregivers (parents, grandparents etc.) and the importance of our earliest social bonds, as it allows us to build our own templates for relationships later in adulthood. As we observe the relationships around us in our early years, we start to develop our own concepts and expectations of what constitutes 'normal' relationship dynamics. The result of this is that we exhibit one of three distinct behaviors in our adult relationships:
Anxious individuals often fret about whether their partner truly loves them in return
Avoidant individuals view intimacy as a threat to their independence and frequently attempt to distance themselves
Secure individuals are at ease with closeness, typically showing warmth and affection
In today’s post, we’ll delve into the anxious attachment style. You might have landed here because you’re questioning if you identify with this style, or perhaps you’re anxiously browsing for tips on how to become more secure in your relationships, hoping to become more appealing to your partner or potential date.
So let me first put your anxiety at ease: the burden of cultivating healthy relationships doesn’t simply fall on you, not matter how anxious you are. It takes more than one person to create a relationship dynamic and evoke those anxious thoughts or feelings in you. In fact, I have come to believe that an anxious attachment style (or any insecure attachment style for that matter) doesn’t have to be viewed as something defective or profoundly flawed that needs to be “fixed”. In fact, some of the traits of the anxiously attached that can be understood from a place of self-understanding rather than self-blame. These traits can be embraced, and even loved rather than become something to be abandoned or changed completely.
The Rollercoaster of Emotions: Traits of Anxious-Preoccupied Individuals
Anxious-preoccupied individuals often find themselves on an emotional rollercoaster in their relationships. Their heightened sensitivity to relationship dynamics often leads to an ongoing quest for connection and approval, which can create a cycle of anxiety and dependency. Understanding these traits is crucial for fostering healthier, more balanced relationships. Some of these traits include:
Difficulty establishing boundaries
Fear of being abandoned
Scanning for signs of rejection
Feeling undeserving of love
People pleasing and prioritizing others’ needs
Tolerating unhealthy behaviors in relationships
Sound familiar? You may experience any of the above even more if you find yourself entering into relationships with individuals with avoidant attachment styles (more on that in my next post).
That said, these are not fixed or static traits and there are ways in which can you build an internal sense of security which in turn will allow you to cultivate healthier, more secure and fulfilling relationships:
Practice nonjudgemental acceptance of your attachment needs
Yes, YOUR needs and not your partner or potential partner’s needs. Too often, anxious-preoccupied individuals are labelled “clingy” or “needy”. This places an unfair level of blame and shame upon these individuals, thus leading them to neglect their own needs. In fact, Dr. Levine asserts that there is no such thing as ‘too needy’ and that all your needs are legitimate.
Notice how you talk to yourself or what you say to yourself when you think about your attachment style. Recognize that your anxieties and fears are part of your emotional landscape, not flaws or shortcomings. Gently challenge any unhelpful internal narratives by focusing on your strengths and progress rather than perceived inadequacies. By treating yourself with the same compassion and understanding you’d offer a close friend, you create a supportive inner environment that fosters growth and self-acceptance.
Reflect on the types of partners or relationships you are typically drawn to
In the dating world, avoidant attachment styles are quite common as secure individuals may be more perceptive in detecting the mixed signals from avoidant individuals, and they tend to pair off and exit the dating scene. This dynamic leaves anxious partners yearning to connect with avoidant individuals as the anxiously attached will often persist in trying to make the relationship work despite having a keen sense of the mixed signals. Because anxious individuals are highly sensitive to signs of rejection and crave constant reassurance, they might find themselves drawn to partners who either mirror these needs or, conversely, are emotionally distant.
Perhaps as a starting point write down in as much detail as possible what your ideal relationship is. Then ask yourself whether this description matches who you are typically drawn to or how it compares against your relationship patterns. More importantly, ask yourself whether you feel your most authentic self when you are with that individual. And consider whether you like who YOU are when you are and who you become when you are with them.
Learn to honor your attachment needs
Make every moment in dating and relationships count as a growth experiment to begin asserting and prioritizing your needs. This may feel daunting and unfamiliar at first, but focus on smaller incremental moments of growth. Start with paying attention to what your attachment system is telling you, or how your attachment system feels when you are interacting with your partner or exploring a new relationship. Do you feel uneasy when they are generally very slow to respond to your texts (I’m talking days or several hours here, not minutes!) or do you feel unsettled when they do not reciprocate your gestures of affection? Or perhaps you feel rejected when they are not as attentive to you talking about your innermost dreams, aspiration or even as you share details of how your day went.
These feelings are likely signalling to you your unmet needs. Certainly, I’m not saying to be so unreasonable as to not give them the benefit of the doubt because we are all humans who err when it comes to our relationships. And one such moment of misattunement alone will not make or break your relationship. But if you find yourself chronically feeling these feelings, consider sharing these needs with your partner and pay attention to how your needs align with theirs. By being mindful of your own emotional well-being and ensuring it is respected, you set a foundation for a more balanced and fulfilling connection.
Final thoughts: Embrace your growth
Ultimately, having an anxious attachment style doesn’t mean that you are doomed when it comes to dating and cultivating a meaningful relationship. In navigating the complexities of dating and relationships, self-awareness and self-compassion will be key in creating a secure bond within yourself. By understanding your own attachment patterns and prioritizing your needs, you pave the way for healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Here's to finding balance and creating meaningful bonds in your love life.
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